Sonder

If you've moved forward to a different place spiritually, you've seen a list of relationships dwindle over time. That feels lonely. You no longer sit with the same people at church. Sometimes family dinners are incredibly awkward and for some, a hostile experience. You miss the safety and security of those relationships.

There’s a line from the book, “Station Eleven,” where one of the characters observes, "Hell is the absence of the people you long for” after the loss of key relationships that may not return—the word loss pairs very well with isolation.

Words are powerful. They define and help us understand the world around us, or at least how we perceive it anyway. A recent addition to the English language is invaluable when understanding how we relate to one another. The word is Sonder.

Sonder is the realization that every life is as complex as your own.

It's when the internal camera of your soul zooms out for a moment, and you're able to see with clarity that your neighbors, coworkers, family, friends, and strangers are all experiencing their own first-person perspective story. That realization is entirely logical, but we rarely operate from that point of view. When I’m traveling through an airport and I’m waiting to board, I’ll sometimes look around and ask myself, “Where are they going and how did they get here?” Of course, without staring or being too creepy.

We’ve all gone through different kinds of life transitions. Some of them have been exciting, positive, and inspiring. And yet, all of us have experienced painful transitions where we continue to work through the consequences that come with them. Those consequences are usually tied to loss.

But then....

Sometimes, your internal camera zooms out, and you catch a glimpse of people in your life, and a beautiful realization washes over you: many in your life have experienced a similar chapter of life as you. You may have lost people, but there are still folks who are with you. Speaking personally, I have a dwindling list of people who will continue to walk with me in my own spiritual journey- but it’s also true that I have a wonderful, supportive, and understanding list with the names of people who will. Having moments of Sonder helps me see those names and faces. These names bring me joy. Our stories are our own, but they are often shared.

The word Sonder pairs very well with the word Gratitude. It is worth your time to consider the people who still walk with you in every season of life. Schedule that coffee with someone who continues to journey with you on the trail.

We all need to be reminded that we are not alone. While we are unique, many of us share a similar story.

Notes:

1) Sonder is a word that comes from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, written by John Koenig; a book that I first read a couple of years ago, and I continue to return to it.

2) Station Eleven . I’m late to the party on this one. I’m glad I’m reading this one now that we’re 5 years past 2020. A great post-apocalyptic story.